The Second Breath

When you feel like giving up | Vadim Khurin

R

ecently I started attending the gym again. I say “again” because when I was younger, I was a very active sportsman. But that was a very long time ago.

I entered the gym and I felt as if I had gone 10 – 12 years back in time. I saw a lot of people who came to the gym in order to change. Different people. Some beautiful, some not so beautiful. Some athletic, some that look like “donuts.” Some that are persistent, some that are lazy. But all came with one purpose in mind: to change. I immersed myself in the depth of my memory, recalling my intensive workouts and how wonderful they were. I had forgotten them in the many years that had passed.

That evening, I exercised with much effort and passion, intensively and persistently. I felt an influx of joy, realizing that I hadn’t forgotten everything from my youth. I went home in a very good mood and could not fall asleep for a long time, realizing that I had finally done something I’d wanted to do for quite awhile.

But then came the next day, and I realized that I am no longer the youngster I used to be. This was confirmed by every muscle of my body. The pain I felt let me know that I am no longer 18 and that the long period of not exercising will not be easily overcome. On the second day, it became even worse. But on the third day, I became more realistic about the duration and intensity level of my workouts.

Working on oneself is a challenging task. It does not matter whether you sit in the gym, read in the library or grow in the knowledge of God. There always comes a moment when you just want to let go of everything. And there are also a million excuses to justify how we feel. We have no time. We do not see the purpose. “It is too late to change,” we say. It is hard to change something that is a part of your character. That is why many give up. In the time that I have spent going to the gym, I’ve observed that many who have started there with me no longer attend the workout sessions. They gave up, let go of their dreams to change how they look. They gave up on the marathon.

I have been in ministry for almost five years now. And honestly speaking, I no longer have the confidence that I can do everything. I have passed through elevations and falls, through victories and defeats. Frankly, I’ve experienced more falls than elevations. Every defeat I encountered raised new questions. Is there a purpose in what we do? Does God care? Does The Salvation Army care? Do I care?

I’ve spent long and sleepless nights in meditation and wrestling with God, wrestling with personal fear and doubt. Today I am far from the image of a perfect, bright and shining Christian, an officer of The Salvation Army who is also content with everything and successful in everything he does. I know that our ministry and spiritual war leave wounds. Many of them heal, but the scars and the pain will always remind me of those defeats. Victories pass quicker. The taste of a victory is sweet, but it does not last as long as the taste of a defeat.

This is reminiscent of our workout experience in the gym, isn’t it? Everyone who worked out at least once knows the feeling of pain, the feeling of not being able to do any more repetitions while lifting a heavy weight. Everyone is familiar with the questions that arise aside from the pain and the sudden acknowledgement of inability to move on. “This is it! I cannot do this anymore! This is the end! I am leaving!” And we leave. We cease running the marathon. We stop working on ourselves.

In ministry, people leave in the same way. They let go of everything, become impassionate about themselves, The Salvation Army and ultimately God. They may not necessarily walk away physically. It is possible to remain, but to lose the fire. To lose the capacity to rejoice in the Lord and the expectation of the coming of Jesus Christ, which previously gave us the reason to wake up in the morning and to start the day afresh. There is really no difference between those that left and those that remained but completely “burned out.” If you simply stand on the running track or sit next to the bar not exercising, there will be no results. Just being in the gym will not change how you look. And just being in The Salvation Army will not change your ministry.

I continue to go to the gym. It gradually becomes easier for me, and I can even increase the weight as I exercise. I look upon all the first-timers with understanding now. I know what will happen to them tomorrow and the next day. But when I see those that continue to come on the third day, even while aching, I begin to respect them because they continue to work on themselves. They continue to stretch forward in pursuit of the ultimate goal. I continue to serve and I know that the extra boost comes only when I try hard to overcome the impossible. For the reward is beyond the finish line, and I want to cross the finish line of the marathon. I do not want to just see the backs of those who reach the end, bitterly acknowledging that I am not with them…

“Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” (1 Corinthians 9.26-27, NIV).

Writer: Vadim is from a Russian circus family and came to The Salvation Army in 1995 as a university student to play in a heavy metal/worship band (”Third Cross”) in the southern Russian city of Rostov-on-Don. He stayed, became a believer, the leader of “Third Cross”, and joined the Army. He married his longtime girlfriend Inna in a Sunday morning service and eventually they entered training to become Salvation Amy officers. They were ordained and commissioned in 2002. Vadim, Inna and their children are presently serving in their second appointment in “Velikiy Novgorod”. Vadim’s interests include music, sports and reading.

1 Comment to The Second Breath

1. A refreshing article. I’m going through my own “physical revelation” with running. It’s painful and in the beginning you ask yourself every day, “why on earth am I doing this?” but there’s something about perseverance, and endurance, and sticking it out when it gets tough. There’s also something about being aware of and thankful for our bodies and not just our minds and spirits. I don’t know about gyms though. My experience is that you are at great risk of getting hit on at a gym… but maybe that’s only in Canada…
Rochelle McAlister on May 17th, 2007

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