The “D” word

And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart. (Matthew 19:5 The Message)

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? (Groucho Marx)

According to our National Church Life Survey (Australia), Salvationists have the highest rate of divorce amongst Christian church attendees. That’s very sad and arouses my curiosity as to what lies behind this cold, hard statistic. I can’t help but wonder what it is about our movement specifically that seems to make us so vulnerable to marriage breakdown.

Many of us have been affected somehow by the often devastating fallout from a divorce - whether it be our own, our parents, siblings or close friends. Just as marriage is the conjoining of flesh, so divorce can conversely be the painful ripping apart of that same flesh. I think everyone agrees that divorce is not an option any of us would choose lightly. I also believe that most of realize that to avoid it, we need to work hard early on in our relationships.

Does the oft-times exclusive sub-culture of The Salvation Army work against the possibility of diversity in terms of our choice of life partners? Do we get too wrapped up in a romantic notion that we are “meant to be” with a certain person simply because we happen to attend the same corps, end up at the same music camp or enter Training College together? One of my friends refers to these as the Army equivalent of “arranged marriages”. Do we encourage our young people to marry at too young an age, so as to avoid falling afoul of moral transgression? Are we supportive enough of married couples in our corps and do we truly seek to understand when things get rough for them?

I’m sure that most of us have seen couples who work together in simpatico, becoming so much greater than the sum of their parts. Equally though, we’ve all watched other couples destroy each other with controlling, constricting behaviour. Some divorce and then prosper with their new partners, but many never seem to “move on” and others become almost “serial divorcees”.

I’m not encouraging the stigmatisation of divorced people but I am suggesting that help should happen even before marriage. Considering how important marriage is in our lives, I wonder whether we are a little too cavalier when it comes to assisting our young people in their choices of life partner. I believe they need to be thinking critically about healthy relationships as soon as they hit youth group age. The youth leaders at my corps brought in a doctor and a psychologist for the much anticipated “sex and relationships talk” and it was brilliant.

In a disposable, consumer society, perhaps a good strategy would be to school our young people in commitment, communication and tenacity.

Once a couple is ready for marriage, comprehensive pre-marriage counselling is essential. This is a chance for the officer or counsellor to ensure that a sober and objective sensibility is part of the conversation, amid the romance, sentiment and “God wants us to be together” stuff. While respect people’s individual decisions and privacy is a paramount consideration, the reality is that some couples are simply not going to make it in the long haul. There needs to be a recognition of the importance of an adequate engagement period and remember that this is a testing time that, if necessary, should be allowed to fail without any great loss of face. Breaking off an engagement is a brave move and may avoid huge complications later.

While pre-marriage counselling is now quite common, I have yet to hear much about post-marriage counselling. In the long run, this may be even more important. Once the “shock and awe” campaign of the wedding is over and the thrill of “making house” has passed, then the nitty gritty truly begins. Couples need to know that rocky patches are normal and to be expected. We can help them recognise danger signs early on and assure them that support is available.

An interesting phenomenon of recent times is the number of older couple “empty nesters” who are divorcing. Often one hears such couples declare that there was never very much love in their relationship, just an enduring tolerance of each other, often “for the sake of the children”. How sad.

If marriage is indeed the backbone of our society and of our corps and if family is a foundation stone. Then let us respect the importance of marriage by talking about it more and supporting those who are just in it, been in it for a long-time or just out of it. And let’s do so without shame and embarrassment. It is too important to treat it otherwise.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person. – (Mignon McLaughlin)

Writer: Bruce Redman is a film and television professional and university lecturer. He attends Carina Corps, and is a lifelong Salvo who with his wife Anne has planted an inner-city mission corps in Brisbane, Australia.

7 Comments to The “D” word

1. Australia must be very different from Canada. Here marriage is often delayed until the bride and groom (especially if they are educated) are in their late twenties or early thirties. And indeed, unless the bride and groom are somewhat religiously observant, there may be no marriage at all even with children.

   Are divorce rates truly higher within the Army than other denominations? Sometimes divorce from the spouse can entail divorce from the church…perhaps the Army is unique in providing comfort to those who have experienced divorce.

   I will repeat here what I have repeated elsewhere. Until we start holding singles in some esteem, there will be pressure to enter into marriages that are less than optimal.

   Andrea
Andrea614Regent on February 27th, 2009

2. I wonder if indeed the problem is too many Salvationists getting divorced, or that the statistics speak to the fact that many who are divorced eventually find comfort and safety in the ranks of the army.

   In my own context I see many divorcees who are coming to know the Lord through The Salvation Army for the first time. The divorce took place prior to their membership in the ranks of The Salvation Army, but if we were relying solely on hard quantative data we would miss that point. Just depends on how precisely the statistical measurement was undertaken. More divorces or more people who have come through divorce and now call the Army home.

   Nonetheless your point is well taken, that divorce in general is a destructive force worth recognizing and seeking solutions to.
Peter on February 27th, 2009

3. Just a clarification, I would back up what the author has said. When we look at those who have married within the ‘Army, and those who have divorced whilst in the ‘Army, the stats are that more divorces occur within the ‘Army. Just look at how many officer couples divorce. It is staggering how many officer couples I know have divorced - far more than non-officer couples, and I would dare say - more than non-christian couples.

   Graeme
Graeme Randall on February 28th, 2009

4. I would be really interested in fuller statistics. For example, what is the overall divorce rate in Australia? But also not what percentage of christians or salvationists are divorced, but experience divorce after making a committment to Christ? Again, divorce is not the only indicator of a failed marriage and can be the healthiest available outcome.

   And where does the more officer couples divorce, than “lay” salvationist couples divorce idea come from? Any stats or just a feeling - this happens a lot around here and must not happen other places?

   Marriage is hard. And staying married in a culture where divorce is a norm likely almost certainly makes it harder to stay married and improve a marriage than before it was a norm. (I think the way the norms of divorce and cohabitation affect the whole dating/marriage process, even for those who haven’t been divorced, cohabited, or been a “child of divorce” also contribute to trouble understanding what is the purpose of marriage and how do we make a life together.) I’ll have to check the author names but the research I read was that more than “compatibility”, “social status”, “levels of conflict” or any other factor the best predictor that a couple would avoid a divorce outcome was that both couples felt that morally speaking they were responsible to stay married.
Maureen on March 2nd, 2009

5. Maureen:

   I have a feeling that the “moral” component may be somewhat a tautological analytically. (ie “I am morally commiting to staying married so I stayed married”)
   Anyway, I think that the stats on Salvationist divorce are probably not that robust (but then, I haven’t seen the studies so what do I know?) Point is, Salvationists are a pretty small population statistically speaking…seeing any officer couple getting divorced would probably stick in one’s mind.
   You’re right Maureen that marriage is hard, but it’s probably harder for a lot of people than it has to be because right now, being married held in higher esteem than being single. So they end up in unions that are not those that God would have for them.

   Andrea
Andrea614Regent on March 3rd, 2009

6. Women ‘harmed by bad marriage’

   Study says men’s health unaffected by split. Women’s health suffers more during strained or failing marriages, according to new research.

   The American Psychosomatic Society said women suffered higher rates of risk factors for heart disease, stroke, and diabetes as a result of tensions in their relationships.

   Meanwhile, men seemed relatively immune, the Society added.

   It studied more than 275 couples who had been married for more than 20 years, amd asked each partner to complete a questionnaire looking at the good, and bad, parts of married life. Each respondent was then assessed for how depressed, or not, they appeared to be, and further tests were carried out on their physical condition.

   While men in unhappy marriages reported higher levels of depression, few suffered physical symptoms. M<any women suffered both. Reasearcher Nancy Henry said: “The gender difference is important because heart disease in the No. 1 killer of women as well as men, and we are still learning a lot about how relationship factors and emotional distress are related to heart disease.”

   A number of global surveys have suggested that those in long-lastin, thriving relationships–especially marriages–have generally better health.

   Researchers said another factor was that women may generally worry about their health more than men, and be more prepared to report symptoms.
Andre L. Burton on March 6th, 2009

7. 29.5 years of marriage - because we need each other. A relationship is a cost/benefit thing. Love is the ability to pay more attention to the benefits than the costs.

   Wayne
Wayne on December 1st, 2009

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