Living with arrows

The pain we give is the worst | Jonathan Gainey

When I was a child, I never wanted to get old. Now that I’m close to forty, I would never want to be a child. The definition of life must include irony.

As a student of God and His creation, I have read many books on the subject of people. We are a strange creation to say the least. Each of us is made up of so much more than flesh and bones. Even our temperaments and personalities are made up of many levels. There is no person who is exactly like another person. And don’t give me the twin argument; I am a twin. My brother and I are a lot alike, and we are a lot unlike.

This past year, I have had the privilege of being tutored in the area of leadership by an amazing couple of coaches. They have taught me so much more than I ever knew about the way people communicate and process information. Some of us attach everything to everything else. These are the ones who have a hard time letting go of past hurts and disappointments. Others of us completely detach everything from everything else. These are the ones who don’t understand why others can’t just “let it go and get on with life.”

Isn’t it true that life can be very cruel? Not all of us experience the same form or measure of cruelty as others, but all of us know the feeling of being hurt. As believers, we are instructed to forgive and love others as we would have them love us. What if that was actually easy? What if we could all detach ourselves from the pain of the past? What if every painful experience was like a bruise: it showed up, hurt for a while, and finally went away without a trace of its existence ever to be seen again?

The ancient sages taught that hurting others could be likened to a sword or an arrow. Some things that we say and do are like swords which are thrust into another, and then are pulled back out. Other hurtful actions and words are like arrows - once they are in, they are in for good; the damage is permanent and can never be taken back. The people whom we have hurt may live, but they will never live without the hurt we have given them.

We have all experienced the swords of others. We have all experienced pain and hurt from those we love that we have forgiven and forgotten. Many of us, if not all of us, have also experienced permanent damage that we live with every day. We never forget, but like one writer so wisely said, “We have figured out a way to build a bridge over the pain so that we can cope. It’s always there, but we don’t have to constantly walk in it” (my paraphrase).

When I was about ten years old, I kept tattling on one of my brothers. My dad got so tired of us not getting along that he gave me his belt and told me to spank my brother. It took me years to get over the guilt of that experience.

Sometimes it’s not the pain we receive but the pain we deliver that is the most difficult to forget.

Writer: Capt. Jonathan Gainey was born in Jacksonville, FL in June, 1969. He has been married to Staci, the daughter of retired Salvation Army officers, for twenty years and they have four children ages 18, 16, 12, and 4. Jonathan was commissioned as an officer in June of 2002, and is currently serving in his third appointment in New Bern, NC, USA. He is working on a Masters of Divinity from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and is the creator and manager of the Flocks Diner website, where his passion for learning and teaching is expressed and shared through writing and a weekly podcast.

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